Empath \ Narcissist Attraction: The Birdcage Effect

Attraction can be a wonderful thing. We are naturally drawn towards people whose qualities appeal to us — their kindness, confidence, warmth, intelligence, beauty or emotional depth. Attraction creates a desire to be close to someone and to experience more of what draws us towards them.

For someone who is highly empathic, compassionate and naturally nurturing, this can sometimes create vulnerability in relationships with people who are more interested in what they can receive than what they can give.

When Attraction Becomes Possession

Some people can present intense affection, attention and care at the beginning of a relationship. Over time, however, their behaviour may reveal a very different motivation.

A person may be attracted to an empath's warmth, compassion, emotional availability and willingness to give. These qualities can make a partner feel valued and cared for. However, the very qualities that create the attraction can also fuel possessiveness and control when the partner wants to keep that affection and attention exclusively for themselves. Causing attraction to change into something unhealthy.

People who are naturally trusting may also judge others according to their own intentions. If you would never deliberately manipulate, exploit or hurt someone you care about, it can be difficult to imagine that another person could approach a relationship with very different motives.

You may continue giving, explaining, forgiving and trying to understand because you are looking at the relationship through your own values.

The Birdcage Effect

Imagine someone seeing a beautiful bird and becoming captivated by its appearance, its song and the freedom with which it moves.

They say they love the bird. They put it in a cage.

Now they can see it whenever they want. They can enjoy its beauty and listen to its song. But the bird no longer has the freedom to fly, explore or live as it naturally would.

The very qualities that attracted the person to the bird become restricted.

Over time, the bird may become distressed. Its behaviour changes. Its song may disappear. Its feathers may lose their beauty.

The person may then wonder what happened to the beautiful bird they originally admired.

That is why I call it the birdcage effect.

A person can become attracted to qualities in someone that they later attempt to control. They want access to the warmth, attention, affection or emotional support that person provides, while restricting the freedom that allows those qualities to flourish. Just as a caged bird loses its beautiful plumage under the distress of captivity, a trapped partner gradually loses their joy, confidence and sense of self.

Healthy relationships require reciprocity. Both people need room to remain themselves, make choices, express their needs and grow.

Healthy love nurtures what it loves. Control confines what it wants to keep.

For someone who has experienced narcissistic abuse, recognising this distinction can be an important part of understanding what happened and beginning to rebuild a sense of self.

If you have survived narcissistic abuse, it takes courage to rebuild your confidence. Online counselling and life coaching offer a supportive space to work through trauma and painful experiences, manage anxiety, stress and overwhelm, strengthen boundaries, build resilience and develop practical coping skills for navigating life's challenges, and much more.

Book your free consultation today to discuss your personal needs.